Gosh its some amazing presenters. Wearing grey and fake enthusiasm.
This conference is being presented out in a massive shed. Just so you know.
This guy turned up, which is good because we know how massively integral he is to the gaming community.
This guy turns up and spouts some history bollocks that no one gives a fuck about. He uses generic phrases such as “stories lighting up on every device” and “provide compelling answers to difficult questions” which actually mean NOTHING.” My favourite phrase was “it must be built for the future”, as if you can build something for the past. Bellend.
Oh my word it’s Xbox One, it’s so shiny! It’s also fucking massive. Jesus, it looks like an old VHS player.
That better not be a fucking Kinect.
Hey it’s Yusuf, doing relevant things like playing [POPULAR RACING GAME] and listening to [POPULAR MUSICIAN]. I hope he ‘kinects’ with the audience! He also shows the audience a lot of Star Trek. You can also skype on your xbox now and have incredibly awkward conversations with the xbox team.
This is Marc, who talks a lot about the specs and is incredibly boring. He says numbers and letters in such a combination that people cheer.
Microsoft are pairing up with EA (which is a brilliant idea, because EA are so, so loved) to bring new, unique games, such as [GENERIC BASKETBALL GAME 20XX] and [GENERIC SOCCER GAME 20XX]. They also talk to sports people who I don’t give a flying fuck about (which seems to be a general theme at this conference)
Next up is Phill who’s going to talk us through some original, unique, never-thought of games before the likes of which are so ground-breaking, so amazingly new and fresh and brilliant that you will break down and weep at the sheer originality of it all.
Oh for fucks sake.
There’s also a game about a little girl who projects ships crashing into bridges into peoples minds.
This is Nancy and Bonnie who take 15 minutes to tell us they’re making a Halo TV show. Also something about American Football which just ties nicely into the prevalent theme of ‘shit I don’t give a fuck about’.
Wait! A new great game??! I wonder what it could be?!
Oh seriously fuck right off, Xbox.
Almost identical words could be said about most of their conferences.